Late-life divorce is no longer an unfamiliar phenomenon. While divorce rates among the younger generation are declining, divorces among middle-aged and older adults over 50 have steadily increased, establishing themselves as a new social phenomenon. In 1990, divorces among couples over 50 accounted for only 8.7% of all divorces, but this rate has now soared to about 36%. This trend is not limited to the United States; it is also rapidly spreading in aging societies like South Korea and Japan, where it is known as 'late-life divorce' or 'mature divorce'.
The reasons behind this phenomenon are various, including an increase in life expectancy and individuals' desire to no longer tolerate an unhappy marriage. Particularly in South Korea, it shows a shift in the perception of marriage, which was long considered a lifelong promise, as captured by the old saying "until your hair turns white like leeks." There is a growing tendency for couples in their 50s and 60s to seek a fresh start to the remaining 30 or 40 years of their lives through divorce.
However, the impact of late-life divorce is not limited to the divorcing couple. The serious effects on the lives of adult children, which have long been overlooked, are now gaining attention.
"It felt like an earthquake had swept through."
Many people assume that adult children will handle their parents' divorce more maturely, but the reality is different. Family therapist Carol Hughes says, "Adult children describe their parents' divorce as feeling like an earthquake that shakes the foundation of their lives." They may become confused, wondering if all their happy childhood memories were a lie, or they may question their own identity and self-esteem. In some cases, they even end their own romantic relationships or marriages due to doubts about relationships brought on by their parents' divorce.
Jolene Greenwood, a professor of sociology at Kutztown University of Pennsylvania, points out that adult children fall into a dilemma of "taking sides" after the divorce. Parents often try to share the details of the divorce process with their adult children, treating them as companions or confidants. At this time, adult children feel pressured to provide social, emotional, and even legal support to only one parent. Daughters, in particular, tend to provide more emotional support than sons. Furthermore, it is common for adult children to experience confusion when the boundaries between parent and child become blurred, such as when a parent seeks new romantic or sexual advice after a divorce.
The 'Social Punishment' of Fathers
Jocelyn Elise Crowley, a professor of public policy at Rutgers University, analyzes that men primarily experience 'social punishment' after a late-life divorce. This is because the wife often plays the role of 'manager' of the social network during the marriage. After the divorce, fathers often lose this social connection and become 'isolated like an island,' which leads to a severe sense of loss and grief.
Meanwhile, many studies report a 'matriarchal tendency' where children become closer to their mothers after a divorce. A study published in Germany found that late-life divorce strengthened the bond between adult children aged 18-49 and their mothers, while weakening the relationship with their fathers. This can deepen the father's social isolation and, furthermore, lead to a breakdown in the parent-child relationship. In fact, 7% of divorced parents reported that they had lost contact with at least one of their adult children. This breakdown was also found to have a negative impact on the parents' mental health.
Nevertheless...
Late-life divorce does not always have a negative impact on adult children. Some children actually wished for their parents' marriage, which was full of conflict and discord, to end and say that their relationship with their parents became healthier and more positive after the divorce.
Of course, every family's situation is different, and the bond between parents and children can be restored. However, the shock of late-life divorce is much deeper and more complex than expected, presenting a new challenge in life not only for the couple but also for their adult children. Experts advise adult children who are struggling after a divorce to join meetings or group therapy with people who have similar experiences to overcome loneliness and process their emotions.
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